Learning from the River: High Agency Living

We have much to learn from the river. The river is formidable in its relentlessness; it single-mindedly presses forward to the ocean. Despite its might, it nimbly adapts to disruptions in its path, dancing easily around and between them. The river exhibits high agency – it is neither passive nor rigid. Rather, it skillfully solves the “problems” in its path as they arise, never ceasing to march towards its goal. We too can emulate the simple fluidity of the river. In high agency living, we find ease by striking a balance between indifference and dominance.

Passivity results both from an unwillingness to assume ownership and a failure of imagination. Each are deadly to our forward progress. Without ownership, we live detached from the world and from our own circumstances. Without imagination, we fail to use our creative abilities to envision how we could mold our personal reality. Perhaps we have aging parents, a young child in our care, or people to manage – each of these circumstances requires taking ownership, and stepping into the role that the situation demands. Without ownership and imagination, we live as objects in the world to be acted upon, are corralled through school and work, and allow others to define both our goals and definition of success. While we may be externally successful, our spiritual landscape may be barren.

In living a high-agency life, we assume responsibility for that which we have some control over, such as aspects of our health, our social life, the projects we pursue, and the well-being of our family. We then can ask, “How can I use my creative gifts and modest influence to address my wishes in these areas?” Informed by the answer, we take purposeful action to address our wishes, and accept the outcome, whatever it may be.

I propose the following four-step process for high-agency living:

1. Identify a wish or complaint.
2. Understand the root cause.
3. Ask “what can I do about this?” and determine next steps.
4. Be healthfully detached from the results.

Let’s go through some practical examples to see how to apply this process.

Scenario A:

1. I feel irritated at my sister for constantly giving me advice. We often play out the following script: she gives me unasked-for advice, I get irritated and lose my temper, and then she feels frustrated and unheard.
2. I recognize that she wants best for me. However, constant advice makes me feel inadequate. Moreover, I know I am capable of solving my own problems - I recognize my anger comes out of a desire to resolve issues on my own time and terms.
3. I resolve to communicate my feedback to my sister using a format and timing that I believe will allow her to best receive it. I will give it outside the heat of the moment, and in a compassionate way.
4. I understand that she still may not take my feedback well or change her behavior, but I am still willing to give it an honest try.

In order to change behavior in oneself or a relationship dynamic, we must first believe it’s possible. Instead of remaining in unhelpful behavior loop, the high agency person identifies strategies to productively alter or gently break the loop over time.

Scenario B

1. My health is deteriorating because I feel as though the demands of my job leave no time for exercise.
2. Truthfully, I’ve never been able to establish an exercise routine in adulthood. I also haven’t yet tried to made adjustments to my life to at least have some exercise. I feel overwhelmed when I think about how I can add exercise to my life.
3. I try to brainstorm low-effort, enticing ways to introduce movement into my life. Perhaps I can go for walks during some meetings to get some steps in throughout my day. I also recognize that I might need support in this area of my life, so I will invest in a virtual fitness coach for a few months to feel a sense of accountability.
4. I accept I will not be able to instantaneously overhaul my habits, and will treat myself with compassion as I implement changes to my life.

It is important to know when to ask for help or external support. Living with high agency does not mean attempting to solve all problems alone or immediately.

Scenario C

1. I am enraged about the state of childhood education in America.
2. I feel passionately that every child should have access to a nurturing and supportive school environment. However, the scale of the injustice in the school system paralyzes me.
3. I recognize that there are many talented people working on this problem. There are multiple possible approaches, such as improving the teacher pipeline, creating and advocating for policy changes, and matching students to mentors through nonprofits. I think about how my skillset can best be of service to an issue I care so deeply about. Given my writing and research skills, I identify that I can volunteer to do grant writing for a policy advocacy group.
4. I accept that I cannot singlehandedly transform childhood education. Still, I will do my volunteering duties diligently, and reassess my ability to increase contributions as time goes on.

High agency thinking is critical in executing long-term or large-scale projects, in which detachment from short-term outcomes is necessary.

As indicated in the scenarios above, meaningful agency is inextricably linked to the context of our lives. Living with high agency does not necessarily mean we quit our jobs to immediately pursue our dreams of living on an organic coffee farm. There is a critical difference between impulsivity and high agency living. The former can be divorced from our relationship to our home and communities, while the latter is often guided by a sense of responsibility. By grounding ourselves in our responsibilities, whether it is caring for a relative, being a leader in a community garden, or managing a team of people, we can transform chores into reverent acts: the mundane becomes the spiritual. Guided by duty, our actions become rooted in love and true interconnected purpose. High agency living is not an abstract concept to be applied to a purely individualistic or dream life - it’s a mindset that can be accessed in all circumstances.

While applying this mindset, one has to remain aware to stay detached from the outcome. Not everything in our lives (or the world) will occur as we intend. While we should resolve to lessen the difference between our desired state and actual state, we should accept any differences that remain.

I once went to a lecture at the Vedanta Society in NYC in which the Swami related the following anecdote:

There was a bird that found itself on a ship in the middle of the ocean. The bird desperately wanted to be on land. So, one day, the bird decided to fly north, and travelled as far as it could, but saw no land, so it returned to the ship. The next day, it journeyed south, and again could not locate land, so it returned to the ship once more. Over the next two days, it attempted to find land to the east and west of the ship, and still it could not find land. Knowing it had exhausted its options, the bird rested comfortably on the ship, trusting the ship would eventually find land.

In high-agency thinking, we are like the bird. We try everything in our abilities, and we accept that the eventual outcome is somewhat out of our control. The Bhagavad Gita, a Vedic text, urges us to drop our expectations altogether. Lord Krishna advised the warrior Arjun:

You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions… Be steadfast in the performance of your duty, O Arjun, abandoning attachment to success and failure.

The medium of agency is the present moment. Instead of starting battles with our past or future selves, we should focus on the only real struggle there ever will be - the one between our better and worse selves at present. Our better half is the part of us that carries our responsibilities, and mastering the high agency life requires siding with it increasingly over time.

The high agency mindset lies between the poles of passivity and domination. It is both a lifelong task and spiritual undertaking to stay in the middle of the poles, as each comes with its own seductions. One side, characterized by the deficiency of responsibility, insidiously invites us to lie down and let life happen to us. The other side, marked by an excess of responsibility, stokes our pride and ego, and makes us unyielding to the world as it is. When practiced skillfully, responsibility – and the high agency mindset – enables us to move fluidly through life’s challenges: we expend our efforts to creatively solve our problems, and are able to accept our circumstances as they are.